Judge Covid decides: Wearing a face mask

Judge Covid, should I wear a face mask just to be safe?
MASKS ARE UNSAFE
UNLESS YOU ARE ALREADY SICK

Unsafe? What about an N-95 mask?
SELFISH
RESERVE THEM FOR HEALTH CARE WORKERS

Oh. Well, wouldn’t a surgical mask
MASKS ARE UNSAFE
WASH YOUR HANDS AND SOCIAL DISTANCE

Even a surgical mask?
MADE OF CLOTH, WHICH IS UNSAFE
YOU PROBABLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WEAR IT

How hard can it be?
IMPROPER WEAR IS RISKY
MORE DANGEROUS THAN NO MASK AT ALL

I don’t understa—
TOUCHING OR MOVING YOUR MASK IS DEADLY

Deadly? For real?
TOUCHING OR MOVING YOUR MASK IS DEADLY

Isn’t some protection better than none? Even, like, a bandana?
MASKS ARE UNSAFE
HOMEMADE MASKS ARE DANGEROUS

But I’m frightened. Can’t a mask help?
MASKS ARE UNSAFE
MASKS FOMENT FEAR AND ANXIETY

Yes, your Horror.
I’VE CHANGED MY MIND

Here we go.
MASKS ARE SAFE

So I should wear
I’VE CHANGED MY MIND AGAIN
MASKS ARE INEFFECTIVE UNLESS YOU ARE SICK
CLOTH MASKS ARE UNSAFE

This is confusing.
I’VE CLARIFIED MY MIND

What?
MASKS ARE UNSAFE BUT SAFE
CLOTH MASKS ARE INEFFECTIVE BUT IMPORTANT

Important?
NOT WEARING MASKS FOMENTS FEAR AND ANXIETY

But you just said
MASKS ARE UNSAFE BUT SAFE
EXCEPT FOR BABIES

Um
MASKS NOW FOMENT PUBLIC CONFIDENCE

OK, so wear masks when you can’t social distance?
NOT WEARING MASKS INSIDE IS UNSAFE
NOT WEARING MASKS OUTSIDE IS UNSAFE

Wait, now not wearing masks is unsafe?
MASKS ARE UNSAFE BUT SAFE
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE

That makes no sense at all.
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

But why is not wearing a mask outdoors unsafe? Isn’t the outdoors safe?
OUTSIDE IS SAFE WITH SOCIAL DISTANCE
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE

Wait, what about exercising outdoors?
EXERCISE OUTSIDE IS SAFE WITH SOCIAL DISTANCE
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE

But isn’t exercise healthy?
YOU BREATHE MORE WHEN YOU EXERCISE
BREATHING MORE IS UNSAFE

But it’s harder to breathe with a mask on. It could make people engaged in healthy exercise pass out!
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE

What about swimming pools? You can’t expect —
POOLS ARE UNSAFE

Oh, right, just like bars, gyms, fitness centers —
I’VE CHANGED MY MIND

Of course.
HALF POOLS ARE SAFE
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE

Even at the pool? How can you breathe?
NOT WEARING MASKS IS SAFE WHILE IN THE WATER
BUT I COULD CHANGE MY MIND

How can you take your mask on and off at the pool without moving and touching your mask? Didn’t you say that was deadly?
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE
EXCEPT WHEN SWIMMING

Wait, what about at restaurants?
HALF RESTAURANTS ARE SAFE
NOT WEARING MASKS IS UNSAFE

I know, but how can you eat without touching and moving your mask?
TOUCHING AND MOVING YOUR MASK TO EAT IS SAFE
IF IT IS A HALF RESTAURANT

Just a second. If masks are safe, why not open restaurants all the way?
RESTAURANTS ARE UNSAFE
HALF RESTAURANTS ARE SAFE

If masks are safe, then why can’t bars and —
BARS ARE UNSAFE

— gyms open?
GYMS ARE UNSAFE

Are you telling me a virus knows the difference in venue, even despite masks?
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

What if it’s a protest?
WHAT KIND OF PROTEST

How about a protest over closing bars, gyms, and other businesses if masks are safe?
SELFISH AND DANGEROUS
FORFEIT THEIR HEALTH CARE

What about a protest over police brutality and racial injustice?
IMPORTANT AND SAFE
EVEN WITHOUT MASKS

If masks and social distance are safe, then how can shouting and chanting in mass gatherings without masks be safe? What about large gatherings downtown that aren’t protests?
IMPORTANT PROTESTS ARE SAFE
OTHER LARGE GATHERINGS ARE VERY DANGEROUS

How can the virus tell the difference?
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

What makes someone an expert?
ABILITY TO ASSERT TWO OPPOSITE BELIEFS
AS THEY CONFORM TO COVID LAW NEEDS

This is so screwed up.
SCREWED
NOT WEARING MASKS DURING SEX IS UNSAFE

I didn’t mean “screwed” in that — wait, what?
SEX IS DEADLY
UNLESS YOU ARE WEARING MASKS

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.
MASKS ARE THE NEW CONDOMS

Really?
YOU BREATHE MORE DURING SEX
BREATHING MORE IS UNSAFE

Really?
PHYSICAL BARRIERS DURING SEX ARE SAFE
LIKE WALLS

Judge Covid?
THREE WORDS: SEXY ZOOM PARTIES

This is completely out of line.
LINES ARE SAFE WITH SOCIAL DISTANCE AND MASKS
EXCEPT FOR VOTING

See other Judge Covid rulings here.

Jon Sanders / Director of Regulatory Studies

Jon Sanders studies regulatory policy, a veritable kudzu of invasive government and unintended consequences. As director of regulatory studies at the John Locke Foundation, Jo...

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