Judge Covid decides: Being made to wear a face covering

Judge Covid, who should wear face masks?
WORKERS IN MEAT AND POULTRY PLANTS
IF THEY CANNOT SOCIAL DISTANCE

Really? But I heard —
ALSO WORKERS IN NURSING HOMES
AND OTHER LONG-TERM CARE FACILITIES

That’s it? And here I thought we all had to wear face masks.
MASKS ARE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND LONG-TERM CARE WORKERS

Wait? What about health care workers?
FOLLOW CDC GUIDANCE

Thank you, your Horror. I can’t breathe with my face covered.
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE

Even if you don’t work in meat processing or nursing homes?
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE

But you said masks —
MASKS ARE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND LONG-TERM CARE WORKERS
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE

Wait. What’s the difference?
FACE COVERINGS ARE SAFE
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE

What is a “face covering”?
ANYTHING

Anything?
ANYTHING
SO LONG AS IT COVERS THE NOSE AND MOUTH

Anything?
ANY SYNTHETIC OR NATURAL FIBERS
CAN EVEN BE HOMEMADE

OK, but doesn’t there have to be some way of actually preventing microscopic viral —
SCARVES
BANDANAS
OLD T-SHIRTS
OOH DISH TOWELS

Dish towels are safe?
A DISH TOWEL ON YOUR FACE IS SAFE
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE DISH TOWELS

Oh come on, weren’t we told improvised face coverings were so risky, it was better to go without?
I CHANGED MY MIND

Of course you did.
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE DISH TOWELS
I’VE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING ELSE

What is it?
WRAP YOUR FACE WITH PLASTIC

Hold up.
PLASTIC FACE SHIELDS ARE SAFE
UNLESS YOU PROCESS MEAT OR WORK IN NURSING HOMES

I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned N95 masks.
SELFISH
N95 RESPIRATORS ARE FOR HEALTH CARE WORKERS
BUT IF YOU HAVE ONE IT IS SAFE

OK. N95 for health care workers, surgical masks for meat processors, and … dish towels for everyone else?
SAFE AND EFFECTIVE

This cannot be based in science.
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

Anything. I suppose I could spray my nose and mouth with Silly String and —
SILLY STRING FACE COVERING IS SAFE
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE SILLY STRING

But not if you process meat or work at nursing homes.
FACE SILLY STRING IS UNSAFE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND NURSING HOMES
EXCEPT IF THEY DON’T HAVE A MASK

Huh? So they aren’t required to wear surgical masks?
MASKS ARE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND LONG-TERM CARE WORKERS
EXCEPT IF THEY DON’T HAVE A MASK
THEN ANYTHING IS SAFE

OK, so when must we have face coverings?
ALMOST EVERYONE ALMOST EVERYWHERE
WHEN YOU CANNOT SOCIAL DISTANCE

Even restaurants?
RESTAURANTS ARE UNSAFE
HALF RESTAURANTS ARE SAFE WITH FACE DISH TOWELS
EXCEPT SITTING AT YOUR TABLE
OR ACTIVELY EATING OR DRINKING

So we have to take off and put back on our face coverings over and over? Weren’t we told that touching and moving our face covering was riskier than not wearing face coverings at all?
I CHANGED MY MIND

What about beauty salons and barber shops?
HALF BEAUTY SALONS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
HALF BARBER SHOPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE

What if I need grooming where the face covering is?
HALF BEAUTY SALONS WITHOUT FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
IF YOUR FACE IS BEING GROOMED
HALF BARBER SHOPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
IF YOUR FACE IS BEING GROOMED

How does that suddenly become safe?
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

What about massage parlors or tattoo parlors?
HALF MASSAGE PARLORS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
HALF TATTOO PARLORS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE

You keep saying half. If face coverings are safe, then why can’t restaurants, beauty salons, barber shops and so forth be safe at full capacity?
UNSAFE
FULL CHILD CARE FACILITIES AND CAMPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
WHEN ADULTS CANNOT SOCIAL DISTANCE

Well, that’s good. It’s in the middle of summer. So adults need face coverings —
FACE DISH TOWELS FOR ANYONE AT LEAST 12 YEARS OLD ARE SAFE

So it begins at 12.
I’VE CHANGED MY MIND

Yes?
FACE DISH TOWELS FOR ANYONE AT LEAST 11 YEARS OLD IS SAFE
11-YEAR-OLD LIVES DEPEND ON FACE DISH TOWELS

Ah. Well, at least kids can finally play togeth—
PLAYGROUNDS ARE UNSAFE

What? You mean kids can go to camps but not playgrounds?
PLAYGROUNDS ARE UNSAFE
CAMPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ON EVERYONE OVER 10 ARE SAFE

Now this is completely arbitrary.
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

OK, so we all must have face cover—
ALMOST EVERYONE

What? Are there exceptions other than being less than 11 or, how did you say it, “actively” eating or drinking?
STRENUOUSLY EXERCISING

What’s that? “Strenuously” exercising?
YOU BREATHE MORE WHEN YOU EXERCISE STRENUOUSLY
BREATHING MORE WITH FACE DISH TOWELS IS UNSAFE

Right, but until just now haven’t you consistently ruled breathing more was unsafe?
I CHANGED MY MIND

Yes, your Horror. Still, there’s no place like a gym for strenuous exer—
GYMS ARE UNSAFE

You’re kidding. So you didn’t change your mind.
I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT BREATHING MORE
GYMS ARE UNSAFE

But gyms are open in 46 states. How —
GYMS OUTSIDE OF NORTH CAROLINA ARE SAFE
GYMS HERE ARE UNSAFE

How are gym unsafe here, still, even with face coverings? How can face coverings be safe at restaurants and —
HALF RESTAURANTS

— at half restaurants until we sit down and actively eat, or half salons until we have our faces worked on, but not at gyms until we reach each new station?
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

Are there more exceptions?
THERE ARE MANY MORE
READ THE PDF OR THE FAQS TO THE PDF

How does the virus know the difference between —
NO FACE DISH TOWEL IF YOU CAN’T SEE TO DRIVE
NO FACE DISH TOWEL WHEN SOMEONE CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU
NO FACE DISH TOWEL WHEN TALKING TO A GOVERNMENT AGENT

Is this really about safety or about making a show of “safety”?
OOH AND NO FACE DISH TOWEL WHEN GIVING A SPEECH

Is that why you’re not wearing a face covering now, your Horror?
DO YOU WANT TO BE FOUND IN CONTEMP OF COVID COURT

I apologize, your Horror. What about people with certain medical conditions, disabilities, anxiety, and so forth?
FACE DISH TOWELS WITH CERTAIN MEDICAL CONDITIONS ARE UNSAFE

I agree; that makes sense, actually.
ALSO
COVID LAW DOES NOT REQUIRE FACE DISH TOWELS WHEN UNCONSCIOUS
BUT I COULD CHANGE MY MIND

Ah. Well. What about religious objections?

Um, your Horror? What about religious objections to face coverings? Aren’t face coverings due to religious beliefs still exempt?
HAVING NO FACE COVERINGS DUE TO RELIGIOUS BELIEFS WAS SAFE
BUT I WILL NOT SAY IF I’VE CHANGED MY MIND

Why not?
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ARE COVERED BY A DIFFERENT COURT
I REFUSE TO SAY A HIGHER COURT

OK, OK. How do we know for sure someone is exempted from needing a face covering?
ASKING FOR PROOF IS UNSAFE

Really?
EVERYONE IS ON THE HONOR SYSTEM
TELL THE TRUTH

An honor system, are you for real? Are we in kindergarten?
THE VIRUS KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE

An honor system. Like “Give a penny, take a penny.”
PENNIES ARE UNSAFE
UNLESS MADE INTO FACE COVERINGS
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE PENNIES

So if I go to a business —
HALF BUSINESS

So if I go to a half business, half restaurant, half grocery store, half bowling alley —
BOWLING ALLEYS ARE UNSAFE

Oh, I forgot. But that’s another thing. If face coverings are safe, why can’t bars, gyms, bowling alleys, martial arts dojos, dance studios, fitness centers, movie theaters, skating rinks, and I forget all the others be open? Why can’t all businesses open all the way?
ALL UNSAFE

But your Horror —
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT

Fine. So if I go to a half business and tell them I cannot wear a face covering, they can’t ask why?
ASKING WHY IS UNSAFE

So businesses can let me in without a face covering if I can’t wear one?
IF YOU TELL THEM THEN THEY ARE SAFE

But how does —
BUSINESSES WHO LET YOU IN WITHOUT A MASK CAN BE FINED

I thought you just said they were safe.
THEY ARE SAFE AND UNSAFE
THE VIRUS KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE

But how do the business owners know the difference?
THEY CAN BE DEPUTIES OF COVID COURT

Deputies of Covid Court? I’m completely confused now.
REFUSING TO LET YOU IN IS VERY SAFE

I give up.
HAVE YOU MET KAREN THE ENFORCER

Who?
SHE IS AT EVERY BUSINESS EVERYWHERE
THE DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA OF COVID LAW
SHE KNOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN BAD

This is exceptionally creepy.
LIVES DEPEND ON KAREN THE ENFORCER

See other Judge Covid rulings here.

Jon Sanders / Director of Regulatory Studies

Jon Sanders studies regulatory policy, a veritable kudzu of invasive government and unintended consequences. As director of regulatory studies at the John Locke Foundation, Jo...

Reader Comments