So, in order to combat what is purportedly worsening air quality in North Carolina ? which is a myth, of course ? some local officials in rural counties such as Granville and Franklin are talking about using ?non-attainment? funds from Washington and Raleigh to build bikepaths and walking trails.

I?m not kidding. Franklin wants to use some of the bucks ? called ?strange money? by local officials, in a moment of great insight ? to make it easier and more attractive for hikers and bikers to go from Franklinton to Louisburg.

Because right now, all the gridlock generated by commuters from Franklinton to Louisburg is spewing toxins into the air, so once we get some of those commuters hiking several hours to work and back we can . . .

No, I’m sorry. Can’t even write a coherent, satirical version of this argument.