Ben Domenech of The Federalist website offers deep, thoughtful analysis of the men and women who hope to lead the federal government’s executive branch once Barack Obama leaves the stage in early 2017. On second thought, let’s replace “deep” and “thoughtful” with “goofy, yet amusing.”

It’s finally here, the moment you’ve been waiting for with fear and dread. You may not want to care about the 2016 presidential primary season, but it cares about you. And what a menagerie we have with us for this cycle – a collection of personalities who are all making big moves toward entering the race or at least trying to convince speech schedulers that they just might. The National Journal ranking of candidates is here, and it’s fine as far as it goes. But if we’re going to be talking about all of this for two years, we might as well have a bit more fun with our cast of characters. And who are these characters?

Jeb Bush as: Bigfinger – Imagine someone who is often underrated because of their low birth, a figure most comfortable in the shadows, subtle, conniving, manipulative, devious, and above all invisible operator. Then imagine the opposite of that, and you have Jeb Bush, who seems very, very serious about running for president, and is as of today the likeliest nominee for a party which still retains significant affection for the Bush family. His advantage with the money set is already well evident – he’s beginning his exploratory PAC fundraising in earnest this week in Greenwich. Everything Jeb Bush does will be overanalyzed and blown out of proportion, and he has the singular challenge this cycle of defending not just his own record but his father’s and brother’s as well. But he’s still the odds-on favorite to win.

Chris Christie as: Stratton Oakmont – Stability. Integrity. Pride. Or brashness and boldness without all that much to back it up. And come on, you don’t get more “Jonah Hill over-enunciating Steve Madden” than this clip from last night in Dallas, which I could watch forever. His brother even supplied a slogan for the campaign after the predictable social media reaction: telling America to “get a life”. Chris Christie’s act was enormously popular even among conservatives prior to the 2012 cycle, but his performance at the GOP convention, in the wake of the Sandy storm, and a couple of policy Achilles heels (accepting Obamacare, a litany of bad judicial appointments) make the path to a nomination he clearly wants rougher. But he’s also spent the past few years building up as many favors as possible – he’ll be crisscrossing the country in the next month attending the swearing in of a slew of GOP governors he helped elect. How he deploys those favors will be key, but he may find himself more popular in the Dallas Cowboys’ box than on the stump.

Follow the “goofy, yet amusing” link above to learn why Ted Cruz is Sonny Corleone, Rand Paul is Boromir, and Scott Walker is … Kirkland Farms?